Whether it’s something you’ve suspected or it came as a surprise, it’s normal to feel confused and unsure about what to say when your child shares with you that they are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. You may realize that your child has been planning their coming out to you for a while and that this is a pivotal moment for them. Perhaps you’re feeling a lot of pressure to get this right and are struggling to find where to start as you process your own emotions.
It’s easy to say the wrong thing when you’re confused or anxious, so let’s have a candid chat about ways you can support your child as you both navigate this new chapter.
Coming out is not a fast or linear process. Your child has probably been planning their coming out to you for quite some time. They are seeking acceptance from the people they trust the most, so pat yourself on the back for already being a great parent and one who they want on their team. Show them that you are already a pillar of support by thanking them for letting you into this journey with them.
One of the biggest fears about coming out is the possibility of rejection. It is important that you continue to love and accept your child as they are. Show them extra support as they face possible discrimination from peers and others. Your child needs to know now more than ever, that you always have their back. Let them know that you are a safe haven whenever they need it and realize that loving them now may also include giving them space to express themselves in new ways (clothing, activities, etc..). Remind them that your love comes with no small print and they are just as much your child now as they were before.
Your child may not have much to say, or they might want to tell you everything. Always offer a listening ear but remember that listening isn’t always a passive action. Listening also means paying attention. Your child may have a number of new needs now, and what kind of support they need from you may change from day to day. Stay attentive to ways you can offer support; from taking them to shop for new clothes to meeting a new partner with welcoming arms.
Asking your child what they can share about their experience is a great way to understand what they are going through and understand more ways you can support them. Don’t tiptoe around their identity as if it’s a shameful subject. If you want to know whether they are dating or interested in someone, ask them. If your child is not ready to share all the details yet, don’t pressure them. Remind them that you are ready to hear their experience whenever they are comfortable sharing it.
If you’ve found yourself here, you have already recognized the need to educate yourself on how to be the best support person you can be. Bravo! Educating yourself on how to be an ally can be a daunting task, so give yourself some grace and remember you don’t have to have all the answers right away. Surround yourself with as much support and knowledgeable people as possible by looking into local or virtual LGBTQIA+ Ally Support groups for yourself. One great option is Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (pflag.org/allies) which has hundreds of chapters all over the United States.
Support your child by being an ally to all the children and teens who are going through the same thing. According to The Trevor Project National Survey of LGBTQIA+ Youth Mental Health in 2020, 40% of LGBTQIA+ youth respondents seriously considered suicide at some point, and 48% have engaged in some form of self-harm. These numbers are a staggering realization that more support and knowledge is desperately needed. The best way you can help is to stay informed on ways you can support the LGBTQIA+ youth community, and stand up for not only your child, but other LGBTQIA+ youth as well. Participating in support groups and activist events are great ways to be proactive.
In addition to taking the steps above, it’s important to avoid reactions that might make your child feel unaccepted. Be mindful that small, seemingly insignificant remarks can have a huge impact. Be sure not to:
As confusing and scary as your child coming out may be for you, it is monumentally more nerve-racking for them. Coming out and navigating their identity is a long, complex, and often tumultuous process that requires a lot of validation and support. You have a big responsibility for being a vital piece of their support system. They need you on their side and it is important that you show up ready to learn and listen. The Trevor Project revealed that “46% of LGBTQIA+ youth reported wanting psychological or emotional counseling from a mental health professional but were unable to receive it”. As a leader in your child’s support system, make it a priority to make mental health counseling an available option for both you and them.
Medens Health is a proud ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. If you or someone you know has an LGBTQIA+ child, reach out to Medens Health for youth and family counseling in California and Nevada.
Disclaimer:
The information provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided in this blog is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding your medical or mental health. If you don’t currently have a therapist, we can connect you with one who is qualified to give you safe, professional, and ethical advice regarding your mental health.
If you or someone you are responsible for is experiencing a medical emergency, is considering harming themselves or others, or is otherwise in imminent danger, you should call 9-1-1 and/or take them to the nearest emergency room.
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