Medens Health

The term “narcissist,” often overused, makes most people think of someone who is self-absorbed, assertive, and aggressive in establishing their dominance and superiority. However, there is a more subtle and insidious form known as covert narcissism. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists don't make their grandiosity as obvious, but instead carry a deep sense of entitlement and self-importance beneath a quieter, more introverted facade.
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Covert Narcissism Vs. Overt Narcissism

Covert narcissism is distinct from overt narcissism because of its introverted nature. While overt narcissists might openly display their need for admiration and lack of empathy, covert narcissists internalize these feelings. Their narcissism is cloaked in a veneer of sensitivity to criticism and social anxiety, making their condition less apparent and more complex to identify and manage. On the surface, a covert narcissist might appear to be a model spouse, parent, or teammate with a generous and helpful nature. Inside, however, their motivations are purely self-serving.
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Traits of Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists share the core traits of narcissistic personality disorder, but express them in more subtle, often manipulative ways. Key traits of covert narcissism include:

Hypersensitivity to criticism: Covert narcissists are quick to defend against criticism, often with backhanded statements or subtle insults.
Self-deprecation: They use self-deprecation as a tool to elicit sympathy and attention, masking their need for admiration.
Depression and anxiety: More prone to internalizing their issues, covert narcissists often genuinely suffer from depression and anxiety, using their struggles as another means to seek attention.
Hyper-focus on self-importance: Despite a more humble presentation, they crave admiration and use soft tactics to affirm their self-worth.
Going above and beyond: Their acts of altruism often serve hidden motives, seeking praise or personal gain under the guise of generosity.
Gaslighting: The covert narcissist needs to be the hero of the story, so they will change past events to align with this vision, minimizing their own wrongdoings and portraying the other people in a conflict as the aggressors/abusers.
Grudge holding: Covert narcissists are often vengeful and will hold grudges for perceived slights, even long after a sincere apology is given.
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What Triggers a Covert Narcissist?

Many covert narcissists act “normal” until they encounter a trigger, which can prompt passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, and rage. Covert narcissists are most frequently triggered by:

Feelings of shame - Being criticized for doing something wrong or making a mistake.
Threats to their ego - Feeling that they are being ignored or disrespected.
Lack of attention - Not getting the attention they think they deserve
Lack of control - Situations in which they don’t feel in charge.
Jealousy - Treats to another person’s affection or attention.
Comparison - Feeling less attractive, less educated, less valued, or less accomplished than others.
“Successful” people - Being around those they perceive as “above” them can trigger feelings of inadequacy.
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How to Recognize a Covert Narcissist

By its very nature, covert narcissism is difficult to recognize. However, you will typically start to realize that you have complicated feelings around a covert narcissist. Pay attention to your instincts - if you feel like the person doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t value your opinion, guilts and manipulates you, makes you doubt your own thoughts and motivations, has double standards for behavior, or is always painting themselves as the victim, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists can also be triggered into exhibiting rage and can display baffling behavior that doesn’t line up with their carefully curated “nice” persona.

If you start to suspect that someone close to you may be a covert narcissist, start by observing their behaviors and patterns without immediate judgment. Keeping a journal of your interactions with this person can be incredibly helpful. Document instances of passive-aggressive behavior, backhanded compliments, blame, guilt, manipulation, or any actions or words that left you feeling undermined or devalued. This record can serve as a reference to validate your experiences and feelings, helping you discern patterns that might not be obvious in the moment. If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, eventually the pattern will become clear.
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How to Cope With a Covert Narcissist

Coping with a covert narcissist requires a nuanced approach due to their subtle and often manipulative behaviors. With the right strategies and support, you can protect your well-being and navigate the relationship more effectively.

Maintain healthy boundaries: This might mean setting limits on the time you spend together, the topics you're willing to discuss, or how you'll respond to criticism or passive-aggressive behavior. It's crucial to communicate these boundaries firmly and consistently.
Respond, Don't React: Covert narcissists often thrive on emotional reactions. Practice responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively to their provocations. This might mean taking a pause before answering or choosing not to engage with manipulative comments.
Educate Yourself: Understanding covert narcissism can empower you to cope more effectively. Knowledge about the condition can demystify the narcissist's behavior and help you recognize that their actions are about their insecurities, not your deficiencies.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engaging with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining, so ensure you have outlets for stress relief and self-expression. Activities that bolster your mental, emotional, and physical health are essential.
Seek Support: Having a support system is vital. Friends, family, or a therapist can offer an outside perspective, providing validation and advice. They can help you stay grounded in your perceptions and feelings, which the covert narcissist may attempt to undermine.
Consider Professional Help: If the relationship with the covert narcissist is significantly impacting your well-being, consider seeking therapy. A therapist can offer strategies tailored to your situation, helping you navigate the complex dynamics and maintain your mental health.

Above all, remember that you have the right to prioritize your own health and happiness, regardless of the narcissist's needs or behaviors.
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Treatment for Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is a complex and often misunderstood condition that can be challenging to navigate for both the individual and their loved ones. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for those dealing with covert narcissism. It helps in identifying triggers, understanding the root causes of narcissistic behaviors, and developing healthier coping mechanisms. Most types of therapy can aid in building self-esteem and a more grounded self-identity, making a significant difference. At Medens Health, our compassionate and experienced therapists are ready to support you through this journey. Contact us today to start the path toward understanding, healing, and growth.

Medens Health offers therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can get started here, contact us with questions, or call/text us at (833) 624-5400.

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^Disclaimer:

^‍^{The information provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided in this blog is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding your medical or mental health. If you don’t currently have a therapist, we can connect you with one who is qualified to give you safe, professional, and ethical advice regarding your mental health.}